Cheese Pole

Man, this list is awesome. A definite must-read. If you don’t read it…well, bless your heart!

he following is a list of phrases in the impenetrable language of “Christianese.” For those unfamiliar with this strange dialect, I have compiled a helpful Christianese-English Dictionary so that you can find out what your Christian friend is really saying to you. If you have any other troubling Christianese phrases, please post them and I will happily translate them and add them to this list. (Please read this with a grain of salt.)

1. I’ll pray about it = NO!

2. We need to pray for so and so = Guess what I just heard?!

3. I’m waiting for God to open some doors = I’m living in my parent’s basement.

4. God gave me a word for you = I have advice to help you with your disaster of a life.

5. I’m going to have my quiet time = Leave me the heck alone!

6. God is good = My life sucks.

7. Bless his/her heart = What an idiot.

8. I have the gift of discernment = I can judge people without even talking to them.

9. I was having fellowship with them = We had beer and pizza and watched the game instead of going to church.

10. I’m saved by grace, not works = I can do whatever the heck I want.

11. She caused me to stumble = What a skank.

12. I kissed dating goodbye = I couldn’t get a blind date, literally.

13. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth = I can’t believe you said the real curse word!

14. I don’t mean to judge but… = I’m going to judge.

15. I’m dating Jesus right now = Are you kidding? I’m way out of your league.

16. God wants me to take some time off from this relationship = I met someone else and I’m too coward to break up with you.

17. I’ll pray about marrying you = NO!

18. God told me that we are supposed to get married = Maybe you’ll say yes if God is behind this.

19. I’m fasting = Your spiritual life is miniscule compared to mine. Try to keep up.

20. God has called me to minister to her = She’s really hot.

21. I think you should pray about it = You’ll see that I’m right.

22. We’ve decided to court, not date = My parents have a death grip on my life.

23. Courting = Homeschool dating.

24. Lord willing = My plans are His plans.

25. Take this with a grain of salt = I’m about to really offend you.

26. I’m feeling convicted about this = One day my actions might change too!

27. Have I offended you? = Why are you treating my like garbage?

28. Who wants to pray? = I don’t want to pray right now.

29. Jesus turned water into wine = Jesus turned water into grape juice. (Southern Baptist Dialect)

30. Jesus turned water into wine = I can drink whatever I want. (Presbyterian Dialect)